These past few weeks, I have really been struggling with something. I have been trying to reconcile, in my own heart and mind, the results of someone else's agency...in particular, the agency and choices of my son's birthmother. Why does her bad choice (her decision to drink during her pregnancy) have to hurt my son for his entire life? How is that fair? Why can't he live the life his big, sweet heart deserves? It's interesting that I do fine for awhile, and then Carson has a bad day or a bad week or is hard at home...and then I relapse into these feelings. I have felt, these past few days, that it's time for me to nip this in the bud. As I've thought and prayed about it, I have come to the conclusion that this is more than likely something that many of us struggle with. And so I am going to share this with you all. Your circumstances will probably not be the same as mine, but everyday we are affected by others choices. Some are debilitating...drunk drivers taking a family member too soon, child abuse, spousal abuse, theft...it goes on and on.
It's important to remember that agency truly was the first gift that our Father gave each one of us. I understand that! I get that! I know that it needed to be that way...without it, we couldn't progress.
It's also interesting to note that as I searched conference talks for answers (I love conference talks), I wasn't finding what I was looking for...until I turned to a friend who helped me refocus my search. I told my friend what I was searching for...I told him I was looking for answers relating to "someone else's agency hurting me or someone I love" and asked him for direction. Amazingly, everything he sent me had to do with forgiveness! Duh, right? I should've known that. But I was more focused on the hurt that she caused me...and Carson...not my need to forgive her and move on. I was more focused on the fact that she didn't use her agency wisely...on this being her fault. Hence I was looking up agency...like I could somehow find my answers by figuring out why she was wrong! Here is one of the conference talks that he sent me. It is called, "Removing the Poison of an Unforgiving Spirit."
As I sat and listened to this talk...over and over, I bawled! He tells a story of some teens that were hiking in Arizona. One girl was bitten by a rattlesnake. Instead of getting her to help, she and her friends decided to hunt the snake down to kill it and take their revenge. Only after that did they get her to a hospital. She ended up loosing part of her leg because the poison had been there too long and had done too much damage. He also talks of a holocaust survivor and his ability to forgive...because in his words, "I've seen what hate can do to people's minds and bodies." It's an amazing talk...seriously...go read it!
Some of his amazing quotes include:
- "The longer the poison of resentment and unforgiveness stays in a body, the greater and longer lasting is its destructive effect."
- "The poison of revenge, or of unforgiving thoughts or attitudes, unless removed, will destroy the soul in which it is harbored."
And then he says, "Ofttimes we choose to decide when a person has repented, and when we will forgive. We have been told mankind will be judged on the intent of the heart. No mortal can see into the depth of another. There is only One who can. His is the role of a judge—not ours. If you are prone to criticize or judge, remember, we never see the target a man aims at in life. We see only what he hits."
I am finally seeing and understanding what Heavenly Father would have me see...that I do not know the why's or circumstances of Carson's birthmother and her choices. I don't know if she has repented...if she feels remorse...if she even realizes what her choices caused. But I don't have to know all that! That's not for me to know or judge. If I want to have peace, I have to forgive! So many nights I have pleaded with Heavenly Father to just make Carson whole. And time and time again I have been told that is not the plan for Carson. Tonight, I will be pleading again...but I will be pleading that I may forgive, that I can purge the poison from my heart! Because I know that Trent and I are Carson's best chance at life...and in order to be the best mom to him, I have to let go of that resentment. I'm finally seeing that being angry at her isn't going to magically fix Carson, it's not going to "punish" her...it's just hurting me. And who am I to say that Carson isn't living the life he deserves? Trent and I have been told time and again that there is "a plan for Carson in this life." He has so many wonderful qualities and I can't imagine life without him...despite his struggles!
Towards the end of his talk, H Burke Peterson says this..."Forgiveness of others for wrongs—imaginary or real—often does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. That person who has not forgiven a wrong or an injury has not yet tasted of one of the sublime enjoyments of life. The human soul seldom reaches such heights of strength or nobility as when it removes all resentments and forgives error or malice. No one can be classed as a true follower of the Savior who is not in the process of removing from his heart and mind every feeling of ill will, bitterness, hatred, envy, or jealousy toward another."
Another great talk is "The Healing Power of Forgiveness" by James E Faust...found here
My favorite part of this one was when he quotes Dr. Sidney Simon: “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."
WOW! So that is my plan! I am going to pray for help so that I can free up and put to better use my energy. So that I can be the mom that my boy needs...that all my kids need! And I challenge you all to do the same.
Man I love this boy!!!
Here are a few more talks (yes, I told you...I love conference talks) on this subject:
Here are a few more talks (yes, I told you...I love conference talks) on this subject:
2 comments:
Such great timing for me. I had a phone call last night from a sibling who wronged me in many ways in the past. She called to apologize which I don't feel she needs to do any more because I have gotten to a point where I wouldn't say I have forgiven but just don't care anymore. Then at the end of the call she said, well the pro of everything is that you are a better parent. She had no pros for herself. When I suggested that I hoped she had learned something from it, she immediately told me she had to go. I still need to work on forgiving apparently because that sure riled me up.
Thank you for sharing!
wow, thank you so much for sharing this. I plan on checking out those talks you mentioned and sharing them with others. It is so true that we rob ourselves of the joy intended for us when we hold in the hurt instead of letting it go and forgiving. I once read a book about forgiveness that really spoke to me called "Journey to Freedom, 30 days to forgiveness and hope" by Dr. Rich Dorst. It was an excellent book.
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