Why? Because now I feel like I am strong enough to write about it and because I would've given anything at the time to know that I wasn't the only one going through this...
The thousands of dollars spent on pregnancy tests...the hope...and then the (-) sign; month after month, year after year. The tell tale "signs" that it just had to BE this month because I could feel it, the planning ways to tell our families, the desire to throw the stupid tests at the wall.
Not to mention surgeries, procedures, scans, ultrasounds, charts, thermometers (every. single. morning), evals, meds, ovulation kits...specialists and more specialists. And again the tell tale signs that this WOULD be THE month...not only because I felt something (my poor sis endured years of phone calls from me with questions of "does this mean I could be?") but because, by golly, we knew exactly when conception happened...in a specialists office, on a table, with a tiny catheter...while my husband stood by my side...and that was after tests to confirm that yes, the timing was spot on! - only to get that blasted (-) sign AGAIN!
And the all consuming pain. Mental, physical, emotional...spiritual.
I wasn't good enough. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't faithful enough. Something must be wrong with me. I must've sinned or offended God in some way. And I cannot even describe this pain...it went on for years! Not only was it, at times, all consuming, but it also seemed never ending.
I do want to point out that Trent stood next to me through it all...through every irrational thought, through every tear, and even when I gave him an out - yes, I begged him to divorce me and go find a wife that could give him babies. (Yes, irrational...right?) He was my rock and always seemed so much stronger than me.
And then, when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, peace came. I guess I should clarify...peace didn't just come...I dropped to my knees and begged - pleaded for peace and understanding. And then in a miraculous answer to prayer (which I won't write about), I finally found peace. Along with peace, I also found a greater understanding of Christ's Atonement. I realized, for the first time in my young life, that the atonement wasn't just about Christ paying for our sins; it was about Christ suffering our pain, heartache, disappointment, despair. He knew how to comfort me because He knew...knows my pains - every.single.one.of.them!
Howard W. Hunter said about the atonement, "He had taken upon him not only the sins and temptations of every human soul who will repent, but all of our sickness and grief and pain of every kind. He suffered these afflictions as we suffer them, according to the flesh. He suffered them all. He did this to perfect his mercy and his ability to lift us above every earthly trial."
He did that for us! So that He could be able to have that perfect mercy...so that He could lift us above our heartache and pain. Ummmm....WOW!
My new-found strength did not cure infertility...but it did bring me peace! It did sustain me!
And most importantly, it taught me! Because isn't that what this life is about? To learn to be more like Him? To develop mercy, faith, compassion?
"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God... and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven."
(Orson F. Whitney, in Dennis D. Flake, 'Orson F. Whitney's Philosophy of Education,' p. 96; see also Spencer W. Kimball, _Faith Precedes the Miracle_, p.99)
What did I learn? I learned that I am stronger than I thought! I've learned that peace can exist even if it feels like my world is falling apart. I've learned about grief and pain...and depression... and how to be more empathetic to others who may be experiencing it. I've learned that life never turns out how my childhood fantasies envisioned...and that's ok. I've learned to look for the good...to find and count my blessings daily. I've learned how amazing my husband is and how much he loves me! I've learned that I am a daughter of God...that He loves me! I've learned that prayers are always answered but not always in the way that I want. I've learned that I am never alone! That there is someone who knows my pain and sustains me...if I let Him.
Yes, infertility was probably the toughest road I had ever traveled up to that point in my life. But it taught me more than I ever could've imagined. It prepared me for so much more; for adoption and the roller-coaster it can be; for raising a child with a disability (I'm still working on that...one day; one step at a time). (Both of which are posts in and of themselves :)! It helped me to build (and recognize the need for) a strong foundation...because trials WILL come and they will never be easy! But they will ALWAYS be worth it...why? Because they are teaching us to become more like our Savior.
Yes, I'm stronger now! Thank goodness! And for those of you in the midst of something that seems all consuming - He is there! Turn to Him...let Him carry you through! He will! He always does! Always!
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